Dear The Refrigerator Police:

I am writing this to you despite my debilitating spurts of rage. In light of this week’s tragic mold incident, several changes have occurred around the office. The tank full of fish were savagely killed, in order to invoke necessary fear in the team, since the power change over. A new rug was installed in the kitchen.

One change however, just went too far. Since Halloween my coworkers have stored a pumpkin under a desk, among the other garbage and trinkets we have collected. You may find our hoarding repulsive, but we call it our home. I was horrified, to find my beloved pumpkin was no more this morning. We had intended on throwing it over the overpass, filming it and its rotten beauty. But that dream has been smashed, smashed like the pumpkin should have been. Instead it was tossed in the garbage with that horrid mold. I expect a full apology and a new pumpkin. Sadly, even if a new one was given to me in an attempt to mend, it would take months for it to get back to proper overpass consisitency.

UNsincerely,

GINA

Attn: Owner

SeaWorld

7007 SeaWorld Drive

Orlando, FL 32821

Dear the Lord of the Sea,

I bring to you the greatest of news, straight from the office of the greatest of men. After years of ignoring my girlfriend’s mindless chatter regarding commitment and the like, I have decided to make her an honorable woman and please her savage need to bear children. She is a simple woman who is of course fond of sea creatures so I thought that proposing to her at your establishment would be appropriate. 

Needless to say, it would be mutually beneficial to have your slaves assist me in this process, as I am a man of invaluable importance. A man of of my societal stature possesses a level of sophistication that is foreign to your low class ridden park, and it would be wise of your staff to make my presence known. 

Thank you for your time. Think of how happy this will make a young girl, who is lucky to have a man such as I. I look forward to a prompt response from you and your organization.

Sincerely, 

Gulliver B. Samuels VII