I am writing to complain about the lack of attractiveness in your establishment. Not only was the hostess rotund but so were the gaggle of waitresses. I brought my son there for a specific reason, and that reason was to collect a wife. My son possesses a suitable weight and pride in appearance and I am honored to say that not one female thing (because that’s what they looked like, in my humble opinion) met his expectations. Nor did they meet mine.
My son left your restaurant with a full stomach and an empty heart. He was devastated, so much so that he understandably assaulted my wife upon returning to our once peaceful home. It took three armed officers to take my son down, and this has caused emotional distress to me, Eggward Johnson VII. I will have you know that you WILL be held accountable for the damage you did to my precious son.
I have a proposal for you, one that will surely delight you and bring you to your knees with sheer terror of my expertise.
I suggest you fire the following seven workers: Carl Birgno, Piggle Mc Pigglesworth, Betsy Deathmachine, Chococat Johnson, Skeletor, and that thing that takes out the garbage. Although their work ethnics are undeniably exceptional, their attractive levels are a disgrace. Honestly, their looks bring down the company moral. With those uggies gone, we can use their salaries to budget for a chocolate fountain. Chocolate fountains have been proven in various studies to boost company moral and not only will our company be overflowing with chocolate, but we will have a steady flow of money, money that you my friend could never even imagine.
If my demands are not met, than the office will be full of rivers of a different kind of liquid.
Todd Cleary Jr
Honorable Assistant to Heidi Plummelstein, Secretary of The Intern Department
dear diary: today was great. i saw a school bus breakdown and they had to block off the entire street. and i saw a crazy man yelling about the impending return of God on the subway. Two great things! love, gina tron :) ps. i hope bobby compliments my new sweater