We had some phoner with a lady in Colorado, inspiring me to conduct my own imaginary Q & A with woman:

Me: According to our graphic, Colorado looks very similar to the shape of a stamp. Is this accurate?

Marilyn: I can’t see the graphic.

Me: Do you think that someday you will be important enough to be on a stamp?

Marilyn: It’s a goal of mine.

Me: Set your goals a little bit more realistically please. Aim lower, Marilyn.

Me: Next Question: Did you have any involvement in the Jon Beney Ramsey case?

Marilyn: That town is two hours away. Colorado is a very large state.

Me: Fuck you.

To John McGilly Jr., Riker’s Island, Cell Block 6,#8549

Dear Mr. John McGilly Jr.,

It is with our upmost pleasure that we announce you are the winner of one of American’s hottest new groundbreaking reality shows, “Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?” It was a five year long process following your life with hidden cameras. Your family nominated you to be a contestant, you were selected and therefore we created using special effects makeup and professional actors, a fictional creation of your  father’s horrendous death.  We then “resurrected” his “corpse” five years later, recreating one of your worst memories (designed specially by our talented team) of all time. The audiences loved it and were touched by your emotional reaction.

You did, however, commit a horrible crime as a result of our provocation of your infamous rage. That crime you committed, unlike the events we created, is real. There is nothing we can do, nor would want to do to help you get out of prison. However, if you do get parole in 20 years, the grand prize of 10,000 will be waiting for you. Thank you and once again congratulations for being an unwilling contestant and touching the heart of America through this groundbreaking show.

Sincerely,

Greg Hemighn,Producer,”Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?”

Dear Charles Manglioni, President & CEO of Kay Bees,

Hello Charles. Your line of toy stores has deteriorated in recent years from a store once  full of life to one now marked with shame and obese workers. I am sure you have noticed this change, and I am equally certain you have accepted some of the blame in this. 

My son, Herbert and I have some news that may brighten your dark and hopeless existence. We have jumped onto the bandwagon of America’s most recent craze, Pogs! Pogs are back, and this time they mean business. Little Herbert and I have spent countless hours inventing and building a pog collection that will take America by STORM!

We have invented 3 collections. Mold Party Collection. America’s Worst Mass Murderer Collection. And the already critically acclaimed, Cult Leader Collection featuring the very collectable and rare David Koresh Pog!

Herbert and I await your call. We are excited to bring some light into your what is left of your store, and bring it back to life. LET’S DO IT!!!

Sincerely

Herbert Sr & Herbert Jr