To John McGilly Jr., Riker’s Island, Cell Block 6,#8549
Dear Mr. John McGilly Jr.,
It is with our upmost pleasure that we announce you are the winner of one of American’s hottest new groundbreaking reality shows, “Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?” It was a five year long process following your life with hidden cameras. Your family nominated you to be a contestant, you were selected and therefore we created using special effects makeup and professional actors, a fictional creation of your father’s horrendous death. We then “resurrected” his “corpse” five years later, recreating one of your worst memories (designed specially by our talented team) of all time. The audiences loved it and were touched by your emotional reaction.
You did, however, commit a horrible crime as a result of our provocation of your infamous rage. That crime you committed, unlike the events we created, is real. There is nothing we can do, nor would want to do to help you get out of prison. However, if you do get parole in 20 years, the grand prize of 10,000 will be waiting for you. Thank you and once again congratulations for being an unwilling contestant and touching the heart of America through this groundbreaking show.
Greg Hemighn,Producer,”Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?”
Dear Charles Manglioni, President & CEO of Kay Bees,
Hello Charles. Your line of toy stores has deteriorated in recent years from a store once full of life to one now marked with shame and obese workers. I am sure you have noticed this change, and I am equally certain you have accepted some of the blame in this.
My son, Herbert and I have some news that may brighten your dark and hopeless existence. We have jumped onto the bandwagon of America’s most recent craze, Pogs! Pogs are back, and this time they mean business. Little Herbert and I have spent countless hours inventing and building a pog collection that will take America by STORM!
We have invented 3 collections. Mold Party Collection. America’s Worst Mass Murderer Collection. And the already critically acclaimed, Cult Leader Collection featuring the very collectable and rare David Koresh Pog!
Herbert and I await your call. We are excited to bring some light into your what is left of your store, and bring it back to life. LET’S DO IT!!!
The much anticipated grand opening ceremony for Poppy’s Popcorn Factory was performed this morning in Grand Heights. It was a joyous event enjoyed by all; even town Mayor John Merkowitz was there to cut the ribbon. Hungry townspeople lined up around the block to participate in the event that offered free popcorn, games, and a dunking booth. Children got to meet Mr Poppy, the factory’s lovable mascot. Small sad side note: one of the workers was crushed to death in a part of the machinery. There will be a small vigil for him on Saturday in the back parking lot of Poppy’s. Despite that incident, the event went off without a hitch, and a grand time was had by all. Even little Timmy of Ellensworth was in good spirits. “I got to meet Mr. Poppy. AND I dunked a clown!” Yes, little Timmy. Yes you did. It was a dunking good time! I have high hopes this will bring prosperity to our town that has been suffering so much by the economy.
I write to you with the worst of news. I do hope you get this letter, as the winter has become harsh; milk and bread have become scarce. Heathcliff and I have lost two of the children to pneumonia as the cold air is as cruel as your heart once was.
I fear you will not take the following news well. I have become stricken with the heroine disease. Heathcliff has been tending to me, but I am afraid the diagnosis is of a fatal nature. By the time you receive this letter I will certainly be no more. I shall always remember your companionship on those warm summer nights off of Serenity Point, and I will think fondly of you during my tortorous last nights of my horrible existance.