I entered your McDonalds chain yesterday afternoon with a heart full of hope and my eyes glistening with happiness. Happiness that would soon be as burned and blackened as your business’ french fries.
I ordered a small fry for the small fry that is my youngest son. After I gave him the fry packet he immediately and instinctively opened his mouth for the food deposit. That is when the screaming began. Every time I close my eyes all I can hear is his desperate chilling screams. The french fry was too fried, far too fried. It burnt my son’s precious little tongue and his previously untarnished innocence. What you did to him… cannot be undone. He hasn’t laughed since the incident.
And either have I. Who knows when I shall laugh again. What I do know is that the incident has interrupted my usual Tuesday pastimes which consist of writing death threats to the mayor and hate-mail to the president. I expect some kind of settlement for this incident. Until then, I shall suffer. Even writing this my throat begins to swell and breathing has become difficult. The screaming of my little fry haunts my genius mind, all because of your so called french fries.
To John McGilly Jr., Riker’s Island, Cell Block 6,#8549
Dear Mr. John McGilly Jr.,
It is with our upmost pleasure that we announce you are the winner of one of American’s hottest new groundbreaking reality shows, “Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?” It was a five year long process following your life with hidden cameras. Your family nominated you to be a contestant, you were selected and therefore we created using special effects makeup and professional actors, a fictional creation of your father’s horrendous death. We then “resurrected” his “corpse” five years later, recreating one of your worst memories (designed specially by our talented team) of all time. The audiences loved it and were touched by your emotional reaction.
You did, however, commit a horrible crime as a result of our provocation of your infamous rage. That crime you committed, unlike the events we created, is real. There is nothing we can do, nor would want to do to help you get out of prison. However, if you do get parole in 20 years, the grand prize of 10,000 will be waiting for you. Thank you and once again congratulations for being an unwilling contestant and touching the heart of America through this groundbreaking show.
Greg Hemighn,Producer,”Who Wants to Be Provoked To Homicide?”