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BOB SAGET’S 5-YEAR-LONG HIDDEN CAMERA TRICK SHOW!!!! Back...

Wed, 22 May 2013 14:55:00 -0400

BOB SAGET’S 5-YEAR-LONG HIDDEN CAMERA TRICK SHOW!!!!

Back in 2010, we told lil Billy that his whole family died in a boating accident. But guess what!?!@?!@! THEY DIDN’T. They simply just didn’t want to take care of Billy and his debilitating learning disabilities. We now visit Billy 5 years later in his new home to surprise with the good news.

JAZZ MUSIC MAKES THE GRIMACE UNCOMFORTABLE

Wed, 22 May 2013 11:43:52 -0400

JAZZ MUSIC MAKES THE GRIMACE UNCOMFORTABLE

letters from a gentleman

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:23:00 -0400

~dA 1 d@t GoT aWaii~

April 14, 2013

3pm

Hello Gina. It was nice meeting you at Eggolio’s Art Gala. I wanted to tell you that I am also an artist. Now I haven’t painted anything yet but I plan on painting some pretty cool stuff and you will be happy to know that I have selected you as my unpaid art curator. I see that you help people with press and that is what I would like for you to do for me. Now since I am a starving artist I will be unable to pay you. I also lack the energy to mouth the word thank you so the gratitude will have to come later. I look forward to further discussing how you can benefit me.

April 14, 2013

3:15pm

Hello Gina. I am eagerly waiting for a response from you. I also wanted to tell you that I find you very sexually attractive ;) I don’t find you conventionally attractive, don’t get me wrong but I would like to fondle your body and hopefully insert part of my body into yours. ;) Please let me know when you are free so that I can take you out for drinks. You will pay as I am a modern man. Then I will take you home. Here is a digital rose : @~~~

April 14, 2013

6:24pm

Dear Gina,

I am becoming disappointed. I expected you to write back by now. Why are you not doing what I want you to do?

April 16, 2013

9:09am

I guess you are doing what everyone in this world does to me, which is be a bitch :(

“I’m sitting here trying to brainstorm ways of...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:13:08 -0400

“I’m sitting here trying to brainstorm ways of killing myself and I can’t because there are some assholes on this train that are having FUN!! >:(((”

- Globby’s Magical Subway Ride, A Stephen King Classic

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Thu, 16 May 2013 12:13:20 -0400

My Cover Letter

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:48:00 -0400

Dear Mr. Swindle Sweetz,

I am applying for the fulltime copy-writing job at your delightful yet dreary looking company. I believe that I would be an ideal fit because I am a writer. I am a storyteller. And I have a story for you:

You are moping around your office. You sit down at your desk ready for a day of disconnected feelings and menial tasks. You hover your chubby hand over your mouse, as you sigh deeply. You open your email. It is mostly full of spam and nagging requests from your wife.

You notice a few inquiries about the copy-writing job. You need to find a decent replacement for your last copy-writer. You begin reminiscing about that copy-writer. You were very fond of her and miss her presence. She was good at writing, despite being overweight. You had hopes of sitting adjacent to someone that was less eggshaped in nature. But she crushed that dream in the same manner one would crush a hard boiled egg out of frustration. You were never taught how to cook so anytime you would try to, your nagging wife would laugh. You would respond to her giggles by breaking objects, as to intimidate her.

Most of people who apply for the job bore you. They just don’t sparkle. Then you see a diamond in the dirt. That diamond is me. You immediately call me to offer me the position at the office and the position in your heart.

Thank you in advance for what you will do to help me.

Sincerely,
Eggolio

SQUIDDY!!!!

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:32:08 -0400

SQUIDDY!!!!

SQUIDDY!!

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:16:32 -0400

SQUIDDY!!

Precious Baby Eggolio’s Movie Review Hour: It was A movie,...

Mon, 13 May 2013 15:06:28 -0400

Precious Baby Eggolio’s Movie Review Hour: It was A movie, I think. It had all the trademark signs of being a movie: actors, a plot, a credit roll. But what it didn’t have was anything that reminded me of me in it. I HATE movie. Even the film reel itself should take pity on me.

“I like wearing this shirt because it indicates that I am...

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:15:16 -0400

“I like wearing this shirt because it indicates that I am a nice person.”

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Mon, 13 May 2013 12:14:05 -0400

too plump for pacman’s liking :(

Mon, 13 May 2013 12:02:12 -0400

too plump for pacman’s liking :(

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Mon, 13 May 2013 12:01:12 -0400

“And she’s waddling to the stairway of obesity When...

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:02:48 -0400

“And she’s waddling to the stairway of obesity
When she gets there she knows
that the stores are all closed
but she needs something to fill her belly
she calls jim bob and kelly
but they don’t let her impose
now she feeling like she’s in helly”
” - Fed Zeppelin

Respectful Letter To Employee

Fri, 10 May 2013 11:29:32 -0400

Dear Mr. Abraham B. Killingsworth

Good afternoon, Abraham. I received your request yesterday regarding taking personal days off. I received your request to be relieved of your duties and menial tasks. I received it electronically and I have been spending the last 13 hours analyzing your message in reality. I have also discussed the content within your request with my dear wife Linda. As you know, Linda teaches English at a community college, in addition to managing a book club (they just reached 14 members! woo hoo!)

Though I value you as a human being, and as an employee, I must say that I am very disappointed with you. Both Linda and I were less than impressed with the manner in which you approached your desire to have a few days to yourself.

First of all you did not capitalize my name. That may be perceived as rude and disrespectful to the average John, but I generously let it slide. That was, until I read further. I noticed three spelling mistakes and Linda noticed a glaring lack of punctuation. Most disturbing was the lack of the question mark when asking if you could leave your job to roam free in the world. This made me question your commitment to excellence, and your dedication to the janitorial community as a whole.

I consider myself a forgiving man, and due to the nature of your letter, I have already forgiven you. I am deeply sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your son. You must not have been in the proper mind set to conduct such a letter, due to that incident.

I have fond memories of your son. My favorite is when Linda exposed him to some culture, in the form of an art book. Your boy sure did like to look at paintings. It is quite a shame that he will never have the chance to be an artist, or anything really. Linda also sends her condolences, though due to your letter, she is too stricken with grief to attend your son’s funeral. I’m sure you understand. I will think of your son from time to time, always with kindness.

So, to answer your original question (though it wasn’t structured as a question, more like a sentence without a period), YES. Yes, you may take some time off. I approve your request. Perhaps, in the gift I am giving you of time, you can reevaluate yourself. Take a long hard look at your behavior, and try to improve on your flaws. We all have them. Linda has been taking an online course on self-managment, which has been helpful. Perhaps you can inquire more information on something of that nature. You could also shoot Linda an email if you need advice. Remember, I am always here for you as well.

My hope is that next time, you can conduct a message with dignity, Something proper. Something that is indicative of your own self-respect. Respect yourself, and more importantly respect me. I will see you when you return to the office, and I hope that you return with an improved mind, body, and soul. I truly hope that happens.

Fondest Regards,

John Brighton Jr.

Manager at Bobby Buck’s Janitorial Services

289 Bluck Street

CEO at Life

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Thu, 09 May 2013 16:26:00 -0400

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Wed, 08 May 2013 13:51:26 -0400

sorry i’m late. i got here as soon as i felt like it.

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:34:18 -0400

sorry i’m late. i got here as soon as i felt like it.

GRIMACE HATES SUN

Tue, 07 May 2013 11:24:00 -0400

GRIMACE HATES SUN

darkness. end of book.

Fri, 03 May 2013 16:56:52 -0400

darkness. end of book.